Five Months left

Five months complete, five more to go. The days are dragging and are all the same, it is like ground hog day here, the same nonsense every day. Every day I work with the Army I thank God that I joined the Navy; I cannot imagine having to deal with these Army guys every day for years on end. My biggest complaint is the fact that the Officers from LT Colonel and below will not take any responsibility or make a decision on anything. The standard answer is “that is not my lane” you need to talk to so and so, translation I don’t know and I am not going to find out or help you in anyway, please go bug someone else, anyone but me. I care more about what is going on out here than any of them and I would say that I am way out of my fucking lane, a Naval Officer working for the Army as an Electronic Warfare Officer, which I initially had zero experience with, I am so far out of my lane that I am not even on the same map. This is the cultural difference between the Navy and Army; I honestly believe that if the Navy and Marine Corps were running this show the war would have been over years ago.

The inflexibility of the Army is amazing, you cannot just tell someone to do something, they need a FRAGO, not sure what it stands for but it is just written instructions telling someone to do something. Even with a FRAGO there is a good chance shit won’t get done, they just pretend like they never got the FRAGO, “no I haven’t seen that FRAGO” is a common stall technique, when pressed they immediately fall back on “that’s not my lane you need to talk to so and so”. Then the whole cycle begins again and nothing gets accomplished. If just a tiny percentage of the energy used in dodging work was actually applied to getting work done miracles could be accomplished. A perfect example of their attitude occurred while I was recently conducting some training, (kind of a stretch considering most of the Army guys are untrainable), the actual training is classified so I will use an example that explains in essence their mentality or lack of mentality. The Army could not read emails sent to their computer so I was sent in to see why. I immediately noticed that the background on the screen was black, as the characters in the email were black the Email could not be read. I quickly assessed the situation and explained you cannot read black writing on a black background, if you change your background to white you will see the black writing. After changing the background emails could be seen and read. I walked out of the TOC happy with the fact that I had helped ensure emails could be read. Ten minutes later I walked back in and low and behold the screen was black again. I asked the watch team why the screen had been changed back to black, the answer, that is how it has always been, it cannot just be changed, procedures need to be followed, authorization needs to occur. I was amazed and explained the whole situation, why white is the proper color and that all other computers in the Army are set up with white backgrounds. They told me that is not how this watch team does business and the screen would stay black. Well you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink.

One thing the Army is very good at is ensuring the Uniform is worn properly. Every Army guy seems to be an expert on uniform policy as well as a member of the secret uniform police. People cannot seem to read an order and implement a simple procedure that will save lives with new piece of gear or tactic. However when a new order is released stating that the cloth American flag is no longer authorized, only the subdued infrared flag is authorized, I am immediately accosted by the secret uniform police, they are drawn toward the cloth flag I was issued like flies to steaming turd. The Army guys who are too shy to actually say anything look at me as though I am dressed in drag. Another no no that will quickly attract the uniform police is walking around with your PT shirt un-tucked, nothing brings faster retribution than committing this crime. I have tired of explaining to Army guys Navy policy regarding our PT uniform, I have decided it is just easier to tuck my shirt in.

Stolen Kevlar

I know it has been quite some time since I have written anything, I attribute this to a low motivation to write and since the end of Army IA training it has become difficult to come up with material. I will just ramble and string together events trying to show the day to day crap that is involved in an IA.

Every person coming into theatre needs a Kevlar helmet and body armor, it is required to fly from Kuwait to Iraq and needed anytime you travel, so every single person came to this country with a helmet. I stored mine in my humvee which does not have door locks. A few weeks ago I walked out to my truck opened the door and sure enough someone had stolen my helmet. Now not having a helmet presents several problems. To drive a tactical vehicle ie a humvee you need a helmet, I now have to walk until I can get a new helmet. I have plans to go home on R&R to help my wife with our PCS move, to fly in Iraq you need a helmet so until I get a new helmet my R&R trip is off, I can’t travel by air or convoy to see any of my outlying units because I no longer have a helmet, I can’t fully accomplish my job due to no helmet. I had no idea how important this helmet actually was until it was gone. At this point I am ready to kill who ever stole my fucking helmet. I am calmed by the fact that the Army surely has spare helmets, an item this critical; nobody in their right mind would not bring spares for a situation just like this. I will just walk a mile in 120 degree heat to the supply sergeant tell him my situation and get a new helmet. I arrived at the supply desk several pounds lighter after sweating gallons of water on my stroll. He listened intently to my story of the stolen helmet and upon my completion told me he did not have any spares, I would have to report it to the police then a flipl needed to be initiated and once the investigation was done a supply depot somewhere else in Iraq would ship me a new helmet and to make things easier since I was Navy and not really attached to his command this Army procedure had to be done by my Navy supply folks in Baghdad. I calmly looked at him and said “what the fuck, I have no idea what you are talking about, all I need is a new helmet, you can’t tell me you guys don’t have spares in the back room that I can borrow while I work to get a new one issued.” His response was, Sir we have no spares.” As I walked out of the supply shop my first thought was no fucking problem, I will simply steal a helmet and my problem will be solved. I quickly changed my mind wanting to end the cycle of stolen helmets, I would figure something else out. I walked to my SFC’s (Sergeant First Class) office, told him of the stolen helmet and my predicament. He got a wry grin on his face, reached below his desk and pulled out a helmet. He looked at me and said, “Sir, this is a helmet I found and keep so I can help Naval Officers such as yourself stay out of trouble, you are welcome to use it for as long as you need.” Honestly at this point I was almost crying with joy, I put the helmet on, it was an extra small, I wear a large, it sat on my head looking like a toy, I really didn’t give a shit I had a helmet and all was good again in my Army world.

What to bring on your IA to Iraq

I was recently asked by a lucky IA lottery winner what to bring on an IA to Iraq. That is a great question I had the exact same question when I was tagged. I searched ECRC, NKO all the usual places and found nothing of use. I have not looked at their sites lately but I am sure nothing has changed. They do not have the time to figure out why my travel claim has not been paid in over 3 months, I am sure they do not have time to update their web site.

I will try to make this as extensive as possible but the general idea is that you can forget everything, as long as you have underwear, the Army will give you all the rest of your essentials. It is my experience that I have been able to find anything I want at exchanges, except NAVY PT uniform.

Bring whatever you want to NMPS and expect to ship stuff home, this is ok, and the Navy will pay for it on the travel claim, just ensure you keep your receipt even if it is less than $75, you absolutely need the receipt to get reimbursed for the shipping. Speaking of travel claims I would not do any travel claims until you get to Kuwait, as stated above I am still waiting on the one I claimed with ECRC over 3 months ago, the Kuwait guys will have it done in 5 days.

The Army will provide 4 sets of ACU’s a bunch of undershirts, socks, boots, boot dressing straps, cold weather gear, medium weather gear, rain gear, sleeping bag, backpack, gloves, hats, gerber multi tool, sunglasses, shooting glasses, earplugs, body armor, guns, holster, knee pads, elbow pads, you will have around 250 pounds of Army issued gear when you are all done and you get to carry it all over the world.

Everything else is just gravy and can more than likely be found at the exchange except for PT uniforms. I only brought two which is not enough, I just ordered two more from the online Navy exchange and they are shipping them.

Laptop computer, I think is an essential, there has been wireless internet everywhere I have been it is slower than dial up and kind of expensive $50-80 a month but worth it to me. All exchanges I have been in carry laptops. I am also going to put a plug in for Skype, it is free video calls to anyone who has Skype on their computer and I also use them for unlimited phone calls to any phone in the US for $50 a year, a great deal I think. It is much more convenient than wandering around looking for a calling card and then waiting for a phone booth to open up not to mention cheaper in the long run.

Under Armour underwear are awesome, I will never wear cotton again, when I wear cotton it quickly feels like I am wearing a wet diaper, not so with the under armour. They are kinda pricey at $16 a pair but worth every penny unless you are a fan of sweaty balls. I do not care for the Under Armour socks, they seem to make my feet sweat more than cotton socks which is strange you would think they would work the same as the underwear.

Get a head lamp and key chain light once you get to your Army training base, they sell them everywhere and are critical when trying to move around at night when all your roomies are sleeping.

I buy a pillow everywhere I go, I don’t carry one and I refuse to use one that somebody else has drooled all over, or worse, so I just leave the old one and get a new one. Bedding sheets are abundant and are much more comfortable than the sleeping bag the Army issues.

Once you get in country you have to turn your laundry in to be done, you will need a laundry bag, I suggest a cotton one, I initially purchased a nylon fish net one and the seams started ripping after two uses. I have seen both types at all exchanges.

As far as the high speed tactical gear, you will not need any of this, non of us are high speed or tactical in an Army sense, remember we are clown warriors, the only piece of gear that I would reccomend is a strap that attaches to your body armor and attaches to you M-4 it has a plastic buckle that allows you to quickly attach and detach your gun. It is much better than a sling and during training it makes carrying your rifle much easier. They are at all the Army exchanges both at the training base and in country.

Bring your check book, there are no ATM's so if you want cash the easiest way is to go to the finance building and write a check, most exchanges will take credit cards, or eagle cash cards, which is just a debit card you set up if you want when you are in country. The local markets and souqs on base are sometimes cash only.

To sum it all up the Army gives you a ton of stuff and the less you have to carry half way around the world the better, and from what I have seen you can get anything you want once you get here, except a Playboy and a Beer, and I bet if I looked real hard I could find those also, however getting caught with either will earn you a quick trip home.

Home in Iraq

I have arrived at my final destination in Iraq and have had a couple of weeks to learn the job so I have not written lately. The job itself is not all that difficult; the hardest part was catching up on all the work the Air force guy I took over for left for me. I am only speculating but it seems to me these guys show up take a month to get acclimated a month to unpacked then they have to start writing their award and evaluation which keeps them busy until they start packing to leave. He did give me a good tour of the base ensuring he pointed out the golf course which I would have never found on my own; it is camouflaged as dirt, looking exactly like the rest of the base except for a few flag poles, that was about the extent of our turnover. He was nice enough to give me all the stuff he had acquired during his stay, a tv, dvd player, fridge, microwave, and internet antenna. All this stuff is crammed in my containerized housing unit(CHU), it is about 8x15 contains all the stuff above as well as a few lockers a bed and some homemade desks and stands and an air conditioner, did I mention it smells like ASS. They are made of metal, think shipping container, the container is actually about 30 feet long and is separated in the middle by a wall making it a duplex. I have giants or possibly bulls living in the other side, they bang shit and stomp around all the time maybe they are practicing their ultimate fighting techniques whatever they are doing it is getting very annoying.

My biggest complaint is the bathroom situation, it is even worse than FT Dix, to start off the closest bathroom trailer is around 100yds away, now that doesn’t seem all that far away until you need to pee at a strange hour, I had heard rumors of guys peeing in water bottles, let me assure you it is no rumor, I have used the water bottle technique multiple times. This brings up another problem, what to do with water bottles full of pee, they build up at an alarming rate and there is not much room to store them in the CHU not to mention the fact that they start a nice golden color but after a few days the color changes to a much more evil looking shade. The whole point of peeing in the bottle is to alleviate long walks late at night to the bathroom but at some point these festering bottles need to be disposed of, so they are hauled to the bathroom late at night so you are not spotted carrying bottles of pee. It is advisable to hold your breath while pouring, I am still weighing the cost benefit of this process, but I believe if used properly and not abused it is an effective technique.

Another problem with the bathrooms is the size and cleanliness, the bathrooms are small and they are generally dirty, in Baghdad, they were large and clean, here that is not the case. All toilets in the Middle East seem to have a design flaw; they have very little water in the bowl. This causes serious smells to emanate from the bathroom, you get a few guys in there laying loads that are all sitting high and dry the smell can get atrocious. I courtesy flush immediately after the majority is deposited, some guys do not follow this simple rule. Another problem is the streaks left after use due to no water in the bowel, I don’t know why but I find it hard to use a toilet that has giant skid marks left in it, and after one use there will be skid marks until it is cleaned, they only get cleaned once a day.

The showers have also been a big disappointment, they are tiny with nowhere to hang your stuff, one thing I find a little scary is the water in the showers and bathroom are not potable, so you cannot brush your teeth but you can shower in the water, to brush your teeth you need to grab a bottled water, I usually grab a half bottle laying around the CHU, my worst nightmare is grabbing a half bottle of pee and not catching it before I start brushing my teeth.

The food is good, a wide selection with a couple of main courses, a pasta bar, hamburger line, Mongolian barbeque and then the specialty line for the day, could be tacos, pizza, gyros, almost anything. They have a nice salad bar and of course the desert bar as well as ice-cream every day. That is the hardest thing to stay away from, they say everyone who comes here will be in the 300lb club, you will either weigh 300lb from the food or you become a gym rat and bench 300lbs. I am shooting for the latter and have been doing a great job at getting to the gym and an ok job of staying away for the deserts.

MWR Tent contains an awesome gym, lots of everything, a movie theater which I have went to a couple of times, I think out of the 200 seats or so I was the only person watching the movie. They have about 6 or 7 pool tables, multiple ping pong tables, a few foosball tables, air hockey, and a shuffle board table. I think I will start practicing my 9 ball and ping-pong and enter the tournaments. I already mentioned the golf course; I will have to play at least once just to say I did it. The base also has a swimming pool which they are getting ready to open, they have it filled and ready they just need some volunteer life guards. I am very impressed with the recreation facilities.

Clown Warriors

I have finally caught up on all the lost sleep incurred during the trip from FT Dix to Baghdad. The last week in FT Dix fully completed our transformation into Clown Warriors. We conducted both mounted and unmounted land navigation. All our training prepared us for the culminating event, more convoy escort. I am still trying to figure out why we learned this stuff when we will not be doing it. We will ride in a convoy every now and then but I will never be in charge of one. If an Army guy was going flying with us would we send him through a month of flight school, or ship driving school, no that is ridiculous, I have just done the ridiculous!! I will say the shooting and life saving course were good and appropriate, the rest of the training was a waste of my time. Sorry I was rambling for a second, back to the convoy maneuvers. We actually improved and successfully drove our humvees much faster than below walking speed, I think we maintained a blazing average speed of 15 miles per hour. Our one weak spot was navigation, even after the navigation training and a recon mission the day before the lead vehicle had no idea where they were going, they missed every turn. I did learn that it is nearly impossible to back up after a missed turn, and almost as difficult to turn around. During the debrief or after action report as the Army calls it, they told us we were one of the best Navy classes they have seen, now either they were just trying to make us feel good or the other classes were incredibly bad, either way I was ready to leave FT Dix.

FT Dix had many issues one was the shortage of toilet paper, it was on ongoing problem that became a crisis during the last week. It all started after the DFAC (dining facility) served some food that either did not agree with us or it contained a little food poisoning. Normally there was toilet paper, but with the increased demand it was quickly used up. I went into the bathroom with a sense of urgency, I didn’t even have time to grab a magazine, no magazine normally would have bothered me however I knew in this case there really wasn’t any need for a magazine I would make short work of this job, upon completion I reached for the TP, and to my dismay there was none. After about five minutes of contemplation on the situation and with no help in the room I carefully pulled my underwear and ACU trousers on as low as possible, trying to keep them as clean as possible. Stepping into the hallway I asked a passing Chief, with as much dignity as I could muster, if he knew where any toilet paper was. He did not but suggested I walk to the other head which was located at the far end of the barracks, I thought for a second wondering if I should tell this guy I really didn’t want to walk that far due to the fact that I had a mess in my pants, I decided against saying anything and walked to the other bathroom, luckily it had some toilet paper, I cleaned up as well as I could, and took a roll putting it in our bathroom. The next day I was still infected with whatever the DFAC had contaminated me with, and again a sudden and urgent need to use the facilities occurred, now you would think that after the prior days experience I would have the sense to check the toilet paper before use, normally I would have but due to complete concentration on not shitting in my pants before getting them off I did not have time to properly preflight the shitter. Two days in a row I had to walk to the far bathroom to clean myself up, it also meant I had doubled my underwear usage which affected my carefully planned laundry cycle, the whole house of cards was crumbling. Needless to say I was pissed and walked into my cell cussing and bitching, after my caring roommates stopped laughing at me more stories started to emerge. Earlier in the day one of my roommates went to the bathroom and ended up in my exact predicament, his solution was to strip down and jump in the shower, he was already enroute to the shower when the urge hit so he had the advantage of having his towel with him, my other roommate then recounted his near miss at the base Exchange, apparently he was within seconds of an accident but made it to the bathroom barely averting disaster. Things were really getting shitty around FT Dix literally, since my departure all symptoms have cleared up and I make it a habit to check the toilet paper religiously.

Quote of the day, Miss America 1981 at Camp Liberty Tony Orlando show, "Where's my Seaman, I need some Seaman."

The Naval Officer and the Gunfight

In Baghdad, have lots of stuff to get down but just havn't had the time, the following advice was sent from a friend of a friend, found it funny.

The Naval Officer and the Gunfight

... But a word of advice, always remember you are a Naval Officer and a bureaucrat, the best way to use the M4 is to release the magazine, download the bullets into your strong hand. Then throw them very hard at your aggressor. This will stun him in disbelief. As he is looking at the handful of bullets lying at his feet, in amazement, shift the rifle from your support arm to your strong arm and use the pistol grip of your weapon to throw it (as hard as you can) at a point about 12 inches above the enemies head. You will end up hitting him somewhere in the face, thus incapacitating him. Then wave both hands above your shoulders, with limp wrists, and run away screaming. That my friend is how a Naval Officer (and bureaucrat)survives a gun fight with a hardened terrorist. I know it works for me.

Stay safe,
Pickle

One more X in the box

One more day of training complete, today was PowerPoint briefs all day, for about eight hours we endured some of the most mind numbing subjects, Law of War, Force Protection, Rules of Engagement, Uniform Code of Military Justice, the list goes on. For days like today I have learned to channel my thoughts, I drift out of the class room and go to my happy place. It is much easier than fighting to stay awake, at one point I returned from my happy place, looked around, and half of the class was standing at the back of the room in order to stay awake. During the break, a genius offered his technique for staying awake, apparently, if you reach into your nose and pull the longest hair you can find it will reenergize you for at least an hour. Now this guy is a ship driver and they get a lot of practice at staying awake, it probably works if you actually need to be alert, in this case I just need the illusion of alert. This technique is much to advanced for me, I plan on continuing to drift off to my happy place during these type of events.

I don’t remember the name of the training but the gist was to drive a convoy of hummers on a patrol along a route with all kinds of hazards, hidden simulated IED’s, real people acting as angry villagers, and terrorists ambushing the patrol. This sounds like excellent training and it could be, however you have to remember the Army is just trying to get an X in the block. After the standard hour or two of classroom instruction it is time for the circus. There are a lot of tactics and comm procedures to do this correctly; no way in hell two hours is even close to enough. Grabbing all our gear including big red noses and floppy shoes the clown parade headed to center ring. The route we were on was no more than a mile long it took us about three hours to complete it; I could have lapped our convoy several times at an average walking speed. It was probably very comical watching us flounder in almost every situation. A guy dropped his 9MM out of the holster and it was run over by the clown truck. This was quickly followed by the owner jumping out of the truck and digging in the sand for his pistol, he looked like a cat burying his shit. All the while smoke bombs and loud fire crackers were exploding around us simulating incoming mortar fire, we had no blank ammunition, the Army probably thought we would hurt somebody with it, so our gunner was saying bang, bang, bang as he was shooting at a bad guy. At this point I looked at my driver and we both just busted up laughing.

Day two of the greatest circus on earth, our show was urban foot patrol and building clearing. Again after a couple of hours of class room training and one practice room clearing under instruction we were sent out on a patrol through a simulated town with bad guys. Guys that are good at this are SWAT, SEALS, real Army guys, not the clown team. I am not sure why but they gave us blanks this time, not that it mattered all we did was make noise, had we been using real bullets we probably would have killed everybody but the bad guys.

Most of the training we get is simply to cover the Army’s ass, if anything happens and questions are asked the Army can go back and say, well we gave them training in that area, we did everything possible it’s not our fault. After the last three days my Army bullshit bag is completely overflowing.

Army Appreciation

Army training consists of many aspects, today we had to take a test to determine a baseline so if we sustain a head injury they can determine just how much brain damage was caused. Apparently I already have a significant amount of brain damage as I failed the baseline test and had to retake it. Had I paid attention to the initial instructions I would have done just fine but I was too busy making fun of how dumb the Army is.

We have returned from our three days in the COL (Contingency Operating Location) a large and very realistic mock up of any Army base found in Iraq or Afghanistan, it was actually not a bad time we had a lot of sleeping time. The tent was large and comfortable, and twice as clean as our cell, maybe the army should replace sidewalks that go nowhere and grass that turns to mud with gravel, the gravel significantly cut down on mud and dirt being tracked into the tent. We were given a couple of days of Arabic language training as well as a decent cultural awareness brief. On the second day of language training the Army interpreter was getting very angry with the class. Apparently we were not nearly as proficient in Arabic as other classes after a total of 2 hours of instruction. I have been speaking English all my life and still have not mastered the language, how the fuck am I supposed to be able to tell an Iraqi to stop, get out of his car and ask him if he has any explosives after two hours of instruction, I am pretty sure I will never be in the position to ask these questions and if I am, I believe they pay interpreters to do that. I am starting to believe that 80% of our training is strictly Army appreciation training, hey you will never do this, but we do, and we want you to know we do.

The main event out at the COL was MACP (Modern Army Combative Program) there was a giant gladiator pit filled with rubber chips and we were instructed on hand to hand combat. Think UFC, ultimate fighting championship, or cage fighting. After several hours of learning basic moves including actually choking and getting choked out in every possible way and how to use an arm bar from several positions we circled the pit and were sent out two at a time to actually fight. I ended my fighting career with a 2 and 1 record. Needles to say the next day one kidney had shut down due to a knee that found it, and it was almost impossible to eat or drink due to the bruised neck. This stuff would have been great when I was younger, it would have come in handy for several bar fights, I might actually try to learn more while out there if I have time, you never know when you may have to kick some guys ass.

NMPS individual augmentee purgatory

I am writing this a little late however I need to address the Individual augmentation process while dealing with NMPS in San Diego. After arriving at the San Diego airport and being the squared away sailor I am, I broke out my orders and they recommended reporting to the USO for transportation to 32nd st Naval Station. I picked up my bags and carried them from one end of the airport to the other, finally arriving at the USO I immediately signed in and got a drink after my trek. They told me the van would be leaving momentarily and that it was only ten dollars, a bargain compared to what a cab would cost. I hopped in the van and we pulled away, just as I thought we were leaving the airport he continued back into the airport, we trolled the airport until he found a couple of other passengers needing rides. I guessed none of these guys where in the military or going to the Naval station due to the fact they all had long hair. Of course these guys couldn’t get on base so even though I was the first on the van I got the cheap tour of San Diego as the driver dropped these clowns off first. Lesson learned, take a cab, the Navy pays for it anyways, better yet rent a car it will help, there is a lot of walking and bumming rides if you don’t have one, NMPS says you will not get reimbursed but if I had to do it over again I would rent a car.

Bring some civilian clothes you can go out in San Diego, some guys even stayed at the Navy lodge with their wives and kids, not sure if they will get reimbursed or not, the BOQ has a block of rooms reserved so you will not have to make your own reservation. You will bring to much stuff so expect to mail shit home, I wore my desert flight suit even though our orders said they were not authorized, if I had to do it again I would not bring any khakis. You will get four sets of Army camo if you are going to Iraq or Afghanistan, plus two sets of boots and some other things. I arrived with half a sea bag of shit and a small duffle bag , after sending most of that home, I still left with two full sea bags and my duffle bag, I am still sending shit home, once you get to your Army base they give you more stuff than you can imagine.

NMPS is a trip, they are virtually worthless, they do not give a shit about you all they want to do is get you out of there. You will redo all medical screening you have already done a month ago, ensure you know where all your medical stuff is in your records, especially your shots I don’t think they know how to read and they will just make shit up and send you for things you don’t need. Do all your NKO courses including driving for life if you are going to FT Dix, otherwise you will be sitting in a computer lab finishing that stuff up during your down time. Do not expect any admin support, true story an O6 coming from his Commodore tour asked to use a phone, he was denied by one of the Petty Officers, after being shot down by this Petty Officer he told me how just a couple of weeks ago he could pick up a phone and request a 100 million dollar airplane be brought to him and it would arrive, now he is not even allowed to make a phone call. Do not try to suggest better ways of doing business they will just put you in the penalty box and make the whole process that much more miserable. One of our guys had so many good ideas he was sent to the OIC’s office and told to quit making waves. The way to get through NMPS is to show up with your shit in one sock, smile and comply with all directions, if you do that you should be done after a couple of days and you will have a couple of days off.

Army VS Airfarce

When I initially found out I was going on this Individual augmentation my first thought was holy shit I have to go work for the Army, my god the Army is all jacked up, this is going to be a nightmare. Well to tell you the truth it is more like a weird dream than a nightmare. I am actually very impressed by some of the Army training. Their Non commissioned officers are the most motivated guys I have ever worked with. They know there stuff and are truly dedicated to ensuring that we learn the basics of being a soldier. Most of the classes are taught at a 6th grade level and can get really boring but by the end of the class everybody is proficient at the skill being taught. Some of the more practical training received is shooting, even if you have never touched a gun they will make you a proficient killer, if you have shot your whole life they will make you better. Combat life saving, a great class, you learn how to give immediate care if somebody needs it. My partner was deathly afraid of needles and has passed out every time when stuck with a needle, he was sweating getting as well as giving an IV, I hooked him up with an IV and he didn’t pass out. Next came the even bigger test he needed to put an IV in me, we were both worried about this, he was afraid he would pass out and hit his head as he fell. All I could imagine was as he passed out the needle being jammed so far into my arm it got lodged in my bone. I did not tell him my worries as he really didn’t need the extra pressure. He did fine and hopefully the only time I ever have to use this new skill is after a real hard night of partying. Heat (Humvee Egress A? Training) a trainer that simulates a rollover, it is very similar to the Helo dunker without the water. You are put in a Humvee cab and it spins three or four times, then you stop upside down and have to get out. Sounds simple however it is not, one guy had to go to the emergency room after punching a hole through his lip with his tooth. These are the good training sessions, there are plenty of training events I walk out of with four pencils in each eye wondering who thought this crap up and how could it possibly help anyone. Most of these events contain the word brief, and trust me none of them are brief.

Just as my perception of the Army has changed, don’t get me wrong I am not being assimilated, I mean they still say WHOWA and TRACKING nonstop and it drives me insane, but my perception of the Airforce has changed even more. Before arriving here the Army was at the top of my worthless list, not anymore, the “AIRFARCE” has quickly climbed to the top. We have ten Airforce “sally boys” integrated into our unit; initially they stayed far away from us shooting us strange looks as if we had leprosy. They have started talking to us and honestly I wish they hadn’t, they have no personality, no sense of humor and all they do is whine about everything, how long there six month deployment will be, how bad their cells are, how bad the training is, now I am not calling the kettle black we bitch about this stuff also, however we do it with a smile and a joke. The Airforce looks like they are about to start crying, they truly believe they are in hell. They are like angry little geeky computers.

Updates, the M-4 was found in the Armory, some guy in another unit just grabed any gun and threw it in a locked case, he was shipping out the next day, if he would of got out of here with that gun it would have been a real nightmare.

We are now up to two fire alarms on a dailey bassis, most have been during the day but now that I said that tonight it will be at 0300.

FT Dix

As I sit in my room at Ft Dix relaxing while awaiting some fine Army training later on, I have finally found the time and motivation to reflect on my experiences so far. After a full week of Army training I have noticed many in my class are weak of mind and are quickly being assimilated by the Army. They are mindlessly shouting “WHOWA” at every possible moment; I have vowed to never say this word because it is gay. I am toying with my own motivational noise, I really don’t want to use the Marine grunt cause I am not a marine and aye, aye really isn’t all that motivational. I think for now I will just keep quiet and if pressed by an Army sergeant I may just belt out a hearty “ARRRGHH” and see what happens.

FT Dix has a Federal Prison on its grounds and the Army, being sensitive to its inmate population has worked very hard to ensure that the inmates do not feel discriminated against. They have insured that all of us live as the inmates do, a minimum of three to a cell, no civilian clothes, no alcohol, and of course we can’t leave the base. One privilege the inmates have that we don’t is the ability to have visitors. The base itself is huge; we mostly ride in busses or walk to wherever we are going. This brings me to an important observation, not only is this an Army training base, but I think this base is also a highly classified “sidewalk laying” training ground. There are sidewalks everywhere, this seems like a good thing, however none of these sidewalks seem to go where you need to go, so if you walk on the sidewalk you will never make it to where you are going. It is as if they were just randomly laid, about half of them just stop, you will be walking on a sidewalk and it just ends for no apparent reason. This sidewalk dysfunction causes you to walk on the ground, which brings up another problem, apparently the Army either does not like grass or it has all been killed by everyone walking on it. While walking on the dirt combat boots have the tendency to collect dirt in the treads, and if it has rained which it has every other day, combat boots are really good at collecting mud. So every building we enter always seems to have dirt and mud all over the tile floors and if it doesn’t it will after we have been there. This of course means after every class we get to clean up the dirt and mud that we tracked in. This is annoying however the real problem occurs back in our cells or as Army likes to call them barracks rooms, nobody likes living in a dirty cell so every day the cells and passageways need to be swept and moped. Many of the Sailors are conducting Army training at night so the only time available to clean their cell is late at night around 0300. At 0300 all this sweeping can cause a little dust, so you add a little dust and a very sensitive fire alarm in the cells and as you might guess it is a recipe for being awoken by the loudest alarm clock in the world. After the second dust fire in one week I have started sleeping in my Navy PT sweats, it makes it that much easier to roll out of bed and stumble outside into the freezing weather while waiting 30 minutes for the fire department to clear our cells.

Breaking news I was just informed we are on lockdown, all training suspended, no one in or out of the building and impending searches of our cells due to a missing M-4, Standby for further updates. I am not fucking kidding; the fire alarm just went off, this is the third time in seven days, and two in the last two days. I will be standing outside for 30 minutes, I am leaving the computer I hope it doesn’t get any dust damage.

D-11 My one question

Nothing to report, just sitting at work wondering why I am here when in 11 days I am leaving for 10 months. I have finished all required preparations.

An interesting observation, I have emailed one question to the POC on my orders, I sent this simple question over two weeks ago and have not received an answer. I have a few theories on why my question has not been answered, the question was so simple that maybe the POC thinks I am retarded and can't believe any one would ask such a dumb question. The POC does not know the answer, and doesn't know any one who does, so they are simply ignoring me. The POC is not really the POC or does not actually exist. Maybe the POC is so busy with important questions they do not have time for my dumb question. Whatever the reason, I am glad it is a simple question, without much consequence, cause if it were important I would be screwed.

D-32 NKO Courses

Navy Knowledge on Line, or as I like to call it No Knowledge on line, even better would be WNKO, Worthless Navy Knowledge on line. As I diligently finish up the ECRC checklist I need to release some frustration with the countless hours I have lost completing the NKO required courses. There are over 16 courses required by the checklist, way to many for me to address in this forum and all of them virtually worthless. The following are at the top of my retarded list, M16 safety procedures, M9 pistol training, Cold Weather Injuries and United States Army Values.

Lets take a look at M16/M9 training, these two are the longest of the series they take a couple of hours each and the final test must be passed with a 1oo%, I believe I have 3o days of Army training that will delve a little deeper into these areas, probably a waste of my time.

Now lets address Cold Weather Injuries, since I am going to Iraq, one of the hottest places on earth, I couldn't understand why this course was a requirement. As I sat pondering the question WHY..... it hit me, the Navy and Army have worked out a plan to send me to Wisconsin in the middle of the winter for training, one of the coldest places on earth, obviously helping me to acclimatize myself before heading to Iraq, that's a great plan. I am not even going to get into the fact that all my Army training will be conducted in cold weather gear and I am deploying to the desert, train like you fight, fight like you train??

Army values, are Navy values not good enough, are they really that different, honestly I don't remember.

Medical Screening

Today I sit in my office wondering what the long term effects of working with the Army will have on me. I have heard horror stories from a few guys who have returned from IAs, and combining that with my own limited interaction with the Army in Kandahar and an exercise in Korea, I now come to the stark realization that it is going to suck. Now I have to sit here for 30 more days until I depart stewing on this epiphany. The imagination has a way conjuring up all kinds of crazy scenarios, I am sure it can't be as bad as I think it can, and I will just keep telling myself that over and over again.

I am going to comment on the medical aspect of the ECRC checklist. As an aviator there is a yearly flight physical that is very comprehensive. It covers all areas of the body and on special years it covers areas that should not be looked at. For an IA you need a PHA, I am guessing that stands for Physical Health Assessment, and it is required within six months of deploying. After calling medical and leaving several messages I was awarded the elusive appointment, I arrived ten minutes early on the big day with medical record in hand. The Corpsmen walked in ten minutes late and said he had cancelled my appointment due to the fact that I had a physical six months ago and did not need one for another six months. I patiently explained to him the IA process, which he seemed unaware of, he handed me some paper work and told me we could get phase one completed today but the next appointment for phase two wasn't available until next week. I set out on Phase one, which consisted of a few shots a cholesterol test, and the HIV test, it took about ten minutes to complete, I then filled out a HRA (Health Risk Appraisal) which is a questioner that asks questions like how much do you drink and how often. I had no supervision and could answer what ever I wanted, it seems to me, if they want the truth this appraisal should be administered by a trained lie detector tech, no self respecting aviator is going to tell the truth, if he did he would be kicked out of the Navy. A trained professional then counsels you on your responses, even after my manipulation of the truth I was still vigorously counseled in several areas. At this point I have completed phase one and have total time input of about 40 minutes.

A week later I arrive for phase two, the corpsmen meets me and we go back into the exam room, he takes my blood pressure which looks good, looks at my cholesterol results, which looks good ,and asks me if I am in pain or have any issues. I respond that I am not in pain and I have no issues. I am sure some of my friends would disagree on the issues question but again this guy was not a trained lie detector tech, I was not even hooked up to a lie detector machine, plus I really didn't lie I have no medical issues. HM1 gave me the thumbs up, I was good to go after a two appointments and a total of 45 minutes, and I had met the ECRC checklist standards, it took two weeks for a total of 45 minutes of medical screening.

One problem I did encounter, there is no proof of Anthrax shots in my record, I have been administered 4 of the 6 shot series, somehow they were not recorded or the sheet they were recorded on was lost. I am preparing myself for the fight that looms in the future over this Anthrax issue, I am sure this battle will provide me with some good material later on.

D -34

My first post, I have a little over 30 days until I depart for ARMY training. This is a test to see how things work, I have decided to document my adventures, hopefully it will do a few things, keep my family informed, allow me to remember all the good and bad things, allow folks who follow a small glimpse of a war that is completely miss reported by the mainstream media, and help anybody who is preparing to deploy to Iraq as an electronic warfare officer (EWO).



I find it amazing that the Navy has been augmenting the Army since 2004 and even five years later they still can not get any info out to the sailor. They have checklists which help marginally and a command called Expeditionary Combat Readiness Center (ECRC) which theoretically is the one stop shopping for information once you are informed you are going on Individual Augmentation (IA), however in my experience Google has given me more info than ECRC has, I am sure the Navy has spent millions on ECRC to no effect.



I will stop the bitching, this blog will try to be funny as well as informative, it will have a bit of sarcasm as well as bitterness, I will try to keep the bitterness to a minimum but sometimes it is needed and helpful.



My wife and I are used to deployments, I have spent a little over 3 years of my career in some god forsaken country, however it is usually only six month at a time. This trip will be 10+ months, it will not be fun for all involved.



I will be in Iraq helping the Army, it is my understanding they need a lot of help in all areas, this will be my first time on the ground, I have flown over both Iraq and Afghanistan earlier, and have logged about a year of action during OIF and OEF. It is now time for me to do my time on the ground and see how the other side lives.