One more X in the box

One more day of training complete, today was PowerPoint briefs all day, for about eight hours we endured some of the most mind numbing subjects, Law of War, Force Protection, Rules of Engagement, Uniform Code of Military Justice, the list goes on. For days like today I have learned to channel my thoughts, I drift out of the class room and go to my happy place. It is much easier than fighting to stay awake, at one point I returned from my happy place, looked around, and half of the class was standing at the back of the room in order to stay awake. During the break, a genius offered his technique for staying awake, apparently, if you reach into your nose and pull the longest hair you can find it will reenergize you for at least an hour. Now this guy is a ship driver and they get a lot of practice at staying awake, it probably works if you actually need to be alert, in this case I just need the illusion of alert. This technique is much to advanced for me, I plan on continuing to drift off to my happy place during these type of events.

I don’t remember the name of the training but the gist was to drive a convoy of hummers on a patrol along a route with all kinds of hazards, hidden simulated IED’s, real people acting as angry villagers, and terrorists ambushing the patrol. This sounds like excellent training and it could be, however you have to remember the Army is just trying to get an X in the block. After the standard hour or two of classroom instruction it is time for the circus. There are a lot of tactics and comm procedures to do this correctly; no way in hell two hours is even close to enough. Grabbing all our gear including big red noses and floppy shoes the clown parade headed to center ring. The route we were on was no more than a mile long it took us about three hours to complete it; I could have lapped our convoy several times at an average walking speed. It was probably very comical watching us flounder in almost every situation. A guy dropped his 9MM out of the holster and it was run over by the clown truck. This was quickly followed by the owner jumping out of the truck and digging in the sand for his pistol, he looked like a cat burying his shit. All the while smoke bombs and loud fire crackers were exploding around us simulating incoming mortar fire, we had no blank ammunition, the Army probably thought we would hurt somebody with it, so our gunner was saying bang, bang, bang as he was shooting at a bad guy. At this point I looked at my driver and we both just busted up laughing.

Day two of the greatest circus on earth, our show was urban foot patrol and building clearing. Again after a couple of hours of class room training and one practice room clearing under instruction we were sent out on a patrol through a simulated town with bad guys. Guys that are good at this are SWAT, SEALS, real Army guys, not the clown team. I am not sure why but they gave us blanks this time, not that it mattered all we did was make noise, had we been using real bullets we probably would have killed everybody but the bad guys.

Most of the training we get is simply to cover the Army’s ass, if anything happens and questions are asked the Army can go back and say, well we gave them training in that area, we did everything possible it’s not our fault. After the last three days my Army bullshit bag is completely overflowing.

Army Appreciation

Army training consists of many aspects, today we had to take a test to determine a baseline so if we sustain a head injury they can determine just how much brain damage was caused. Apparently I already have a significant amount of brain damage as I failed the baseline test and had to retake it. Had I paid attention to the initial instructions I would have done just fine but I was too busy making fun of how dumb the Army is.

We have returned from our three days in the COL (Contingency Operating Location) a large and very realistic mock up of any Army base found in Iraq or Afghanistan, it was actually not a bad time we had a lot of sleeping time. The tent was large and comfortable, and twice as clean as our cell, maybe the army should replace sidewalks that go nowhere and grass that turns to mud with gravel, the gravel significantly cut down on mud and dirt being tracked into the tent. We were given a couple of days of Arabic language training as well as a decent cultural awareness brief. On the second day of language training the Army interpreter was getting very angry with the class. Apparently we were not nearly as proficient in Arabic as other classes after a total of 2 hours of instruction. I have been speaking English all my life and still have not mastered the language, how the fuck am I supposed to be able to tell an Iraqi to stop, get out of his car and ask him if he has any explosives after two hours of instruction, I am pretty sure I will never be in the position to ask these questions and if I am, I believe they pay interpreters to do that. I am starting to believe that 80% of our training is strictly Army appreciation training, hey you will never do this, but we do, and we want you to know we do.

The main event out at the COL was MACP (Modern Army Combative Program) there was a giant gladiator pit filled with rubber chips and we were instructed on hand to hand combat. Think UFC, ultimate fighting championship, or cage fighting. After several hours of learning basic moves including actually choking and getting choked out in every possible way and how to use an arm bar from several positions we circled the pit and were sent out two at a time to actually fight. I ended my fighting career with a 2 and 1 record. Needles to say the next day one kidney had shut down due to a knee that found it, and it was almost impossible to eat or drink due to the bruised neck. This stuff would have been great when I was younger, it would have come in handy for several bar fights, I might actually try to learn more while out there if I have time, you never know when you may have to kick some guys ass.

NMPS individual augmentee purgatory

I am writing this a little late however I need to address the Individual augmentation process while dealing with NMPS in San Diego. After arriving at the San Diego airport and being the squared away sailor I am, I broke out my orders and they recommended reporting to the USO for transportation to 32nd st Naval Station. I picked up my bags and carried them from one end of the airport to the other, finally arriving at the USO I immediately signed in and got a drink after my trek. They told me the van would be leaving momentarily and that it was only ten dollars, a bargain compared to what a cab would cost. I hopped in the van and we pulled away, just as I thought we were leaving the airport he continued back into the airport, we trolled the airport until he found a couple of other passengers needing rides. I guessed none of these guys where in the military or going to the Naval station due to the fact they all had long hair. Of course these guys couldn’t get on base so even though I was the first on the van I got the cheap tour of San Diego as the driver dropped these clowns off first. Lesson learned, take a cab, the Navy pays for it anyways, better yet rent a car it will help, there is a lot of walking and bumming rides if you don’t have one, NMPS says you will not get reimbursed but if I had to do it over again I would rent a car.

Bring some civilian clothes you can go out in San Diego, some guys even stayed at the Navy lodge with their wives and kids, not sure if they will get reimbursed or not, the BOQ has a block of rooms reserved so you will not have to make your own reservation. You will bring to much stuff so expect to mail shit home, I wore my desert flight suit even though our orders said they were not authorized, if I had to do it again I would not bring any khakis. You will get four sets of Army camo if you are going to Iraq or Afghanistan, plus two sets of boots and some other things. I arrived with half a sea bag of shit and a small duffle bag , after sending most of that home, I still left with two full sea bags and my duffle bag, I am still sending shit home, once you get to your Army base they give you more stuff than you can imagine.

NMPS is a trip, they are virtually worthless, they do not give a shit about you all they want to do is get you out of there. You will redo all medical screening you have already done a month ago, ensure you know where all your medical stuff is in your records, especially your shots I don’t think they know how to read and they will just make shit up and send you for things you don’t need. Do all your NKO courses including driving for life if you are going to FT Dix, otherwise you will be sitting in a computer lab finishing that stuff up during your down time. Do not expect any admin support, true story an O6 coming from his Commodore tour asked to use a phone, he was denied by one of the Petty Officers, after being shot down by this Petty Officer he told me how just a couple of weeks ago he could pick up a phone and request a 100 million dollar airplane be brought to him and it would arrive, now he is not even allowed to make a phone call. Do not try to suggest better ways of doing business they will just put you in the penalty box and make the whole process that much more miserable. One of our guys had so many good ideas he was sent to the OIC’s office and told to quit making waves. The way to get through NMPS is to show up with your shit in one sock, smile and comply with all directions, if you do that you should be done after a couple of days and you will have a couple of days off.

Army VS Airfarce

When I initially found out I was going on this Individual augmentation my first thought was holy shit I have to go work for the Army, my god the Army is all jacked up, this is going to be a nightmare. Well to tell you the truth it is more like a weird dream than a nightmare. I am actually very impressed by some of the Army training. Their Non commissioned officers are the most motivated guys I have ever worked with. They know there stuff and are truly dedicated to ensuring that we learn the basics of being a soldier. Most of the classes are taught at a 6th grade level and can get really boring but by the end of the class everybody is proficient at the skill being taught. Some of the more practical training received is shooting, even if you have never touched a gun they will make you a proficient killer, if you have shot your whole life they will make you better. Combat life saving, a great class, you learn how to give immediate care if somebody needs it. My partner was deathly afraid of needles and has passed out every time when stuck with a needle, he was sweating getting as well as giving an IV, I hooked him up with an IV and he didn’t pass out. Next came the even bigger test he needed to put an IV in me, we were both worried about this, he was afraid he would pass out and hit his head as he fell. All I could imagine was as he passed out the needle being jammed so far into my arm it got lodged in my bone. I did not tell him my worries as he really didn’t need the extra pressure. He did fine and hopefully the only time I ever have to use this new skill is after a real hard night of partying. Heat (Humvee Egress A? Training) a trainer that simulates a rollover, it is very similar to the Helo dunker without the water. You are put in a Humvee cab and it spins three or four times, then you stop upside down and have to get out. Sounds simple however it is not, one guy had to go to the emergency room after punching a hole through his lip with his tooth. These are the good training sessions, there are plenty of training events I walk out of with four pencils in each eye wondering who thought this crap up and how could it possibly help anyone. Most of these events contain the word brief, and trust me none of them are brief.

Just as my perception of the Army has changed, don’t get me wrong I am not being assimilated, I mean they still say WHOWA and TRACKING nonstop and it drives me insane, but my perception of the Airforce has changed even more. Before arriving here the Army was at the top of my worthless list, not anymore, the “AIRFARCE” has quickly climbed to the top. We have ten Airforce “sally boys” integrated into our unit; initially they stayed far away from us shooting us strange looks as if we had leprosy. They have started talking to us and honestly I wish they hadn’t, they have no personality, no sense of humor and all they do is whine about everything, how long there six month deployment will be, how bad their cells are, how bad the training is, now I am not calling the kettle black we bitch about this stuff also, however we do it with a smile and a joke. The Airforce looks like they are about to start crying, they truly believe they are in hell. They are like angry little geeky computers.

Updates, the M-4 was found in the Armory, some guy in another unit just grabed any gun and threw it in a locked case, he was shipping out the next day, if he would of got out of here with that gun it would have been a real nightmare.

We are now up to two fire alarms on a dailey bassis, most have been during the day but now that I said that tonight it will be at 0300.

FT Dix

As I sit in my room at Ft Dix relaxing while awaiting some fine Army training later on, I have finally found the time and motivation to reflect on my experiences so far. After a full week of Army training I have noticed many in my class are weak of mind and are quickly being assimilated by the Army. They are mindlessly shouting “WHOWA” at every possible moment; I have vowed to never say this word because it is gay. I am toying with my own motivational noise, I really don’t want to use the Marine grunt cause I am not a marine and aye, aye really isn’t all that motivational. I think for now I will just keep quiet and if pressed by an Army sergeant I may just belt out a hearty “ARRRGHH” and see what happens.

FT Dix has a Federal Prison on its grounds and the Army, being sensitive to its inmate population has worked very hard to ensure that the inmates do not feel discriminated against. They have insured that all of us live as the inmates do, a minimum of three to a cell, no civilian clothes, no alcohol, and of course we can’t leave the base. One privilege the inmates have that we don’t is the ability to have visitors. The base itself is huge; we mostly ride in busses or walk to wherever we are going. This brings me to an important observation, not only is this an Army training base, but I think this base is also a highly classified “sidewalk laying” training ground. There are sidewalks everywhere, this seems like a good thing, however none of these sidewalks seem to go where you need to go, so if you walk on the sidewalk you will never make it to where you are going. It is as if they were just randomly laid, about half of them just stop, you will be walking on a sidewalk and it just ends for no apparent reason. This sidewalk dysfunction causes you to walk on the ground, which brings up another problem, apparently the Army either does not like grass or it has all been killed by everyone walking on it. While walking on the dirt combat boots have the tendency to collect dirt in the treads, and if it has rained which it has every other day, combat boots are really good at collecting mud. So every building we enter always seems to have dirt and mud all over the tile floors and if it doesn’t it will after we have been there. This of course means after every class we get to clean up the dirt and mud that we tracked in. This is annoying however the real problem occurs back in our cells or as Army likes to call them barracks rooms, nobody likes living in a dirty cell so every day the cells and passageways need to be swept and moped. Many of the Sailors are conducting Army training at night so the only time available to clean their cell is late at night around 0300. At 0300 all this sweeping can cause a little dust, so you add a little dust and a very sensitive fire alarm in the cells and as you might guess it is a recipe for being awoken by the loudest alarm clock in the world. After the second dust fire in one week I have started sleeping in my Navy PT sweats, it makes it that much easier to roll out of bed and stumble outside into the freezing weather while waiting 30 minutes for the fire department to clear our cells.

Breaking news I was just informed we are on lockdown, all training suspended, no one in or out of the building and impending searches of our cells due to a missing M-4, Standby for further updates. I am not fucking kidding; the fire alarm just went off, this is the third time in seven days, and two in the last two days. I will be standing outside for 30 minutes, I am leaving the computer I hope it doesn’t get any dust damage.