Army Appreciation

Army training consists of many aspects, today we had to take a test to determine a baseline so if we sustain a head injury they can determine just how much brain damage was caused. Apparently I already have a significant amount of brain damage as I failed the baseline test and had to retake it. Had I paid attention to the initial instructions I would have done just fine but I was too busy making fun of how dumb the Army is.

We have returned from our three days in the COL (Contingency Operating Location) a large and very realistic mock up of any Army base found in Iraq or Afghanistan, it was actually not a bad time we had a lot of sleeping time. The tent was large and comfortable, and twice as clean as our cell, maybe the army should replace sidewalks that go nowhere and grass that turns to mud with gravel, the gravel significantly cut down on mud and dirt being tracked into the tent. We were given a couple of days of Arabic language training as well as a decent cultural awareness brief. On the second day of language training the Army interpreter was getting very angry with the class. Apparently we were not nearly as proficient in Arabic as other classes after a total of 2 hours of instruction. I have been speaking English all my life and still have not mastered the language, how the fuck am I supposed to be able to tell an Iraqi to stop, get out of his car and ask him if he has any explosives after two hours of instruction, I am pretty sure I will never be in the position to ask these questions and if I am, I believe they pay interpreters to do that. I am starting to believe that 80% of our training is strictly Army appreciation training, hey you will never do this, but we do, and we want you to know we do.

The main event out at the COL was MACP (Modern Army Combative Program) there was a giant gladiator pit filled with rubber chips and we were instructed on hand to hand combat. Think UFC, ultimate fighting championship, or cage fighting. After several hours of learning basic moves including actually choking and getting choked out in every possible way and how to use an arm bar from several positions we circled the pit and were sent out two at a time to actually fight. I ended my fighting career with a 2 and 1 record. Needles to say the next day one kidney had shut down due to a knee that found it, and it was almost impossible to eat or drink due to the bruised neck. This stuff would have been great when I was younger, it would have come in handy for several bar fights, I might actually try to learn more while out there if I have time, you never know when you may have to kick some guys ass.